Vivid Fusion - Explicit Work
Part 7
by Jennifer Wilson

The weekend arrived. I was going home soon and it all felt so right. This trip seemed as though it was planned to perfection. I was focused and the relaxation was deep. It was just the right amount of time, although I kind of didn’t want to go back to colder weather or my job, but I guess that’s life.
I woke up late on Saturday. Hardly did anything. Read and did some writing before heading up to Hopkins Ave. where I was getting rid of the last of my stickers. I had put a lot up around the main streets in that area of Berkeley to decorate and also so anyone could find them like secrets hidden in the open.

After my walk I returned to the purple house and puttered around until everyone woke up. Linda and Frank and I talked in the living room again. We talked about the state of the world and how scary it all seems. At one point I got very emotional and said that it’s so great they are on the web so people can find them like I did, and they told me that I’m on the web for others to find as well. It became clear to me that we’re all doing what we do because we have to, and that we are beacons to those looking for people like us. Then I told Frank, Linda and Mikee that I’m glad to know that they exist. That even if I hadn’t met them or started working with them, I am just so glad that they are here now on this planet doing what they do.

The work is very dangerous and requires a lot of trust. This work is the work of living that goes on between everything – it is all about relationships. Not everyone realizes the danger. Not everyone has the same trust. Not everyone understands that their relationship to everything requires them to be responsible. I had all kinds of self-deprecating thoughts during my visit, like about Frank kicking me out or yelling at me, but all that came from me, not from Frank. I was not trusting in those thoughts. Focusing on those thoughts is very dangerous and I knew this so I kept shifting my focus from those thoughts to how I really felt and I realized that I felt good, peaceful, and loved. I trusted how I felt. Even if I had done something inappropriate, it would not be the end of the world. Everyone is fallible and the trick is to not get stuck there, just take it and move on.

All those fears that I had are old fears that I’ve held onto from the past. They may have helped at one point but, as I continue to work with Frank, it becomes more and more obvious to me that they don’t help anymore. In fact, focusing on those thoughts blocks me from truly living life to the fullest. It blocks me from my power and the power of those around me. This does not only hurt me, it hurts everyone. I’m starting to understand this.

What I am learning from Frank is sinking in deep. I’m not rushing with this work for it will take a whole lifetime. The degree of importance is similar to when I joined up with Nic; I remember telling myself that if everything goes horribly wrong in my life at least I’ll know I made one good lucid decision, which was to be with him. Now I use my relationship with Nic as a reference point for all relationships. When I first met Frank I knew that this was what I was looking for, but I didn’t rush to find out. I didn’t hurry to get a point or a secret or anything. In fact, I’m usually pretty impatient, but with Frank I always felt as though I wanted to savor every moment as though it was the only moment. My martial arts instructor says that if a student starts to hound him about the next step, always wanting to know what the next step is, he will ask them to leave. They aren’t learning that way. Frank is that way as well, and I like what Kyle Griffith wrote about working with him, that it is hard to get in but easy to get out. This is not casual work.

When we got into the studio Saturday night I was wondering what we would do. There was a lot of reading since we started back on the readers. Every time I get to the end of a session I wonder how much deeper we can possibly get and I’m always surprised! Frank and I talked and read, and then we played together.

Moving slowly and breathing deeply, we rubbed and danced My mind was going the whole time as I felt a strong pull to Frank, like wanting to get into his skin. I let the strangeness of it go and just felt. We were moving in unison with gentle intensity, the spell taking hold. I followed Frank, I surrendered to play and I did not understand what was happening but I knew that we were going deeper into the unknown together. Our bodies vibrated to the rhythm of the universe and time seemed to stand still. I was riding the excitement like a wave that didn’t end.

When I called Linda in to get us I was still feeling a calm excitement. I felt very intimate and I really understood the word explicit for the first time since Frank used it to describe the kind of work we do. After calling Linda, I got back on the bed with Frank and we waited together. She arrived with Kittee in her arms. It’s now routine for him to get carried into the studio before and after almost every session. At the end of a session, he grooves on the vibe and purrs loudly while getting cozy on the bed. We all made our way into the purple house for food.

The next day I got up at noon. I was slowly becoming a night owl. The clocks were also turned forward so we were all in a bit of a fog on Sunday. I did some reading and then had a nap. Sleep came easy for me but my dreams were getting very vivid and weird.

When I awoke again, I went into the purple house where Mikee and Linda were just getting up. I told them about my strange dream and Linda said that Mikee has dreams like that too. She said it must be a Sagittarius moon that causes it. Nic has a Sag moon too and he also has vivid craziness in his sleep as well so there may be some truth to that.

As we ate lunch, I started to talk about why I didn’t want to stop talking to my parents. I know they have never really respected me for who I am but I find that cutting them off seems too drastic and extreme for the current situation. I’m probably a sucker, and Frank was kinda looking at me like that. After my long rant all he said was ‘monologue’ and that pretty much summed it up. I just smiled.

When Frank and I got into the studio, we read and talked a bit about what I was reading. It amazes me at how we address so much stuff just by doing this. Issues I didn’t even know I had surface and questions I would have asked get answered through various subjects and conversations. It appears as though Frank knows exactly what he’s doing. It doesn’t feel like major surgery, just like a tickle here and a tickle there to keep me on my toes. Then he asked me again what I was getting from the intensive.

I breathed deep and looked for the words to describe how I felt. I think it is amazing working with Frank. The magic of everyday life becomes so clear and everything starts to symbolize a fractal; all weaving in and out as far as you want to go, multi-colored, multi-dimensional, ecstatic joy that may seem chaotic but really creates a pattern of timeless beauty. I told him that I feel freer, more open, more relaxed, deeply relaxed. I told him that I could feel the immense importance of the work and how dangerous it is, and how much it isn’t about me. I felt as if I were surrendering, that I didn’t matter as an individual but that I mattered just because I am a part of everything. I told him that it’s amazing because it’s all right here all the time, that magic is not somewhere other than right here with us always! And I could see that! I was looking at that right then, feeling it, being it. I was vibrating with the universe. I have never felt such natural ecstasy before that lasted so long as if all I had to do was open myself to it and let it run through me. I was deeply in-tune and so was Frank, and we both beamed at one another as we melted with everything.

Like I said, heavy shit. That feeling lasted a long time. Linda and Mikee came in to get us and I was still beaming as we all got comfortable in the living room. I love it when they see me that way cause it makes them all smile too. Mikee and Linda may not know exactly what goes on in the studio but they can feel it because they are all very in-tune with what is going on.

As we sat there, Frank said that I should tell Linda and Mikee what I said in the studio about my intensive. I think Mikee was busy in the kitchen so I just looked at Linda and breathed in deep and started to talk. All the words were right there and the feeling came back so strong that as I continued to talk I felt my whole being beaming love. Linda remained stoic and I figured she was doing that so any interpretation on her part would not affect what I was saying. I call it her ‘bullshit’ face because she wants to listen clearly to determine if you’re bullshitting or not Even as she watched me, I could tell that she knew exactly what I was saying. I just kept talking and feeling and loving. I said that we were all working together, all the people who have ever worked with Frank are still doing the work in some way but we’re all working together even if we aren’t physically together. I was sitting there taking deep breaths feeling joy all over and then she came over and gave me a big huge hug. We hugged for a long time and the feelings I had were so strong, it was difficult to not get overwhelmed. I just kept breathing.

I find now that breathing deeply brings back that in-tune feeling. And if I have a particularly deep thought, I will notice that my breath automatically gets deeper. When I’m with Frank and we’re doing deep work, this breath goes so deep sometimes I think I may pass out. But it’s a slow, even breath and I regulate it enough so that passing out does not occur. However, after an intense session and then eating, passing out is imminent and that’s exactly what I did.

On to Part 8 >

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