Vivid Fusion - Explicit Work
Part 8
by Jennifer Wilson

I got up on Monday just before noon and decided to take a short video of the blue house. Got my camera ready and walked down the street. First person I saw was John the Baker working on the back deck. I toured around the place taking in all the rooms and did a little commentary for Nic.

Once I was done, I sat outside with Kirsten and John as we ‘shot the shit’ so to speak. I gave John a couple of stickers and he wanted to know what they meant. Then he told me about the night he and Kirsten reenacted my visit to the Burnt Ramen. Some things were changed for the film version and we had a laugh about that.

We goofed around until Kirsten left to see her dad. John wasn’t in the mood to work so we called for an early lunch and went upstairs. Gene, Bill and Alexi joined us in a game of cards – Rummy I believe – and I think Gene won, probably because he cheats. It was a lot of fun!

John played some of his music on the computer and I really like how hardcore he is. In fact, I think that when I was an adolescent that kind of screaming and wailing intense rock probably helped me to keep sane. I loved it raw, I screamed along and I never did go crazy like I thought I was going to.

I went back to the purple house after lunch to read and do some writing. The weather was beautiful and I was feelin’ groovy. Sent off some emails and then sat with Frank and Linda when they got up. Only one more night and I was leaving. I didn’t know what would happen as I felt pretty much done. Couldn’t even think of what could come next. However, something kept nagging me from the back of my mind. I remember Linda saying that Frank’s style is to go for the ‘one-two punch’ at the end to see how much farther he can get with someone. I kept thinking what’s the punch gonna be? When it didn’t obviously appear I just thought there wouldn’t be one. Boy was I wrong.

I knew Kirsten was coming over for a session. I had no idea what to expect but I think Frank was dropping clues that I remained oblivious to. When she got in the door, Frank basically told us to go into the studio together and play while he got ready to join us. Right away I felt nervous and I knew this was going to be the final punch.

Kirsten and I undressed and got onto the bed together. Our heads were at opposite ends and we started touching each other’s feet. Just then, Kirsten got up and went to the bathroom. I waited, and when she got back we sat facing each other. We gently caressed each other’s arms and backs. As we got more comfortable we moved a little closer. I felt like I could feel Kirsten, not just her body but her whole being – a strange intriguing melody of emotions and experiences all blending together. I got turned on and felt a deep love for her. We were fully embraced and rocking just as Frank and Linda came in. My nervousness had subsided.

Frank talked with us and I felt like I was getting better at reading his board. He asked me to tell Kirsten what I had told him and Linda the night before – about what I was getting from the intensive. Kirsten and I embraced again and rocked as I recalled my feelings, breathing deeply the whole time. I felt as though I was trying to communicate with her more directly than just the words that were coming out of my mouth. It felt as though every cell in my body was trying to give her the information.

I told her how important and precious this work is. How free and peaceful it feels and how it really is simple yet difficult to realize. I kept telling her how it wasn’t about me, how it was about all of us – ALL of us. How important it is that we’re here doing this, and how much I love everyone and thank everyone for being here.

When I finished, Frank reiterated the danger of the work and how someone may not recognize them self as the work gets deeper. Things that may have worked in the past will not work anymore as the person gets pulled in and changes. The danger is in not trusting yourself or Frank or the work. The danger is in refusing to understand that we are not individuals in control. The danger is in not surrendering to all of life.

Then Frank asked how I would continue this work at home, away from them. To tell you the absolute truth, I didn’t really know how and his question frustrated me. I said by just keeping open to all possibilities, by writing and continuing to be creative, and by seeking out others who were open as well. Now I think I would answer that differently. I continue this work at home by focusing on the in-tune feelings I have had, breathing deeply and not worrying about things. I continue this work at home by being open with everyone, even those people who may appear closed. I continue this work at home by loving Nic and responding to that love in everything.

After talking, Frank then had Kirsten and I get him prepared for our playing together. We took off his head pointer and board, his shirt and shorts, his socks and shoes. We placed his chair in the middle of the room and locked it down with the cinderblock. Then we started to weave one of the biggest spells I’ve ever been involved in.

I call it a spell because that’s what I’ve realized is going on. It doesn’t look like any spell you read about as a kid, or any spell that has to do with strict ceremonial rituals. We didn’t need eye of newt or hair of wolf. It is a ceremony, a ritual, only more explicit than what I’ve seen. It can appear casual but it is very deep and very powerful. As soon as we started I could feel the power in what we were doing.

We weaved our souls together. Nothing could be hidden. I breathed deeply and understood. Of course, my mind was working overtime to distract me but I kept my focus on breathing and melting. I understood what was happening on a level that didn’t contain words. I could look at Frank and Kirsten and feel what was happening. It was very intense.

Frank was giving us instructions through body language and other means that I may not have realized. It can be easy to ignore Frank because communication is not done through channels that we’re so accustomed to, but under these circumstances it was difficult to ignore anything. I followed his instructions and I knew why he was telling us to do certain things. It all made sense to me on a deeper level as my waking mind watched in awe and grasped at comprehension.

We played for a long time taking us deeper and deeper until we were all there, in-tune with each other and the universe at large. I was flowing and beaming as if my body was electrified. Then it ended and I felt good right up until confusion set in. Like I said, this is dangerous work. Everyone has to be there on the same level to avoid jerkiness and misunderstandings. Before we could even dress, Frank wanted to tell us something so Kirsten started to recite the alphabet for him. He told us not to reveal the physical aspects of what just happened and then he said that Kirsten and I should go to her room at the blue house and talk about what we just experienced. That’s when I didn’t get it and I became introverted as we got dressed and headed down the street. Although I understood completely while it was happening, all of a sudden I did not understand what we had just done.

Kirsten and I got to her room and I told her one of the things I was confused about. She said I should talk to Frank about it. I said that I was afraid Frank wouldn’t answer me and she said to just be ok with not knowing, and I agreed to. We talked a little about working with Frank and then I had to get back. It was very late and as I walked to the purple house it felt like people were whispering behind me. I turned and saw the wind tearing through a bush and I ran.

I got into the purple house and sat in front of Linda and Frank. They asked me what was wrong. I shrugged. Then I finally said that I was confused. Frank asked me how was I confused and I said that I didn’t know anything. I said that I thought I knew what was happening but now I know nothing. At that, Frank said we should go back into the studio so Linda and Mikee got Frank ready and we went back in. My insides were twisting up but I was going to be all right with not knowing. That was the only thing going through my mind – I’ll be ok with not knowing. Dangerous business.

Linda stayed and the three of us talked for about an hour. That is the measure of the dedication they have for their students, themselves and the work - the fact that they would take the time to make sure everyone is ok. Frank asked me what happened and I told him what I thought had gone on. He was nodding the whole time and when I finished he said that I should trust my feelings. I really did know what had happened, I just got confused at the end. The spell was very powerful and the realizations I was starting to have while talking with Frank and Linda were like a cool balm on a burn. My insides stopped twisting as it all started to make sense. I truly was ok with not knowing because I knew on another level.

For the rest of the evening I kept realizing that what had happened just pushed me in deeper. The ‘one-two punch’ had worked! All of the things we addressed during this year’s intensive were compounded during the last session and that helped to really drive it all home. I could see how trusting in myself changed situations. It was hard to believe but what I learned in that one night may have taken me a whole year to figure out. Everything was clearer and softer and smaller.

I was still a little shaken but grounded as we went back inside. As I sat there eating my delicious meal, I could see how all of what I learned related to my life and my relationships. Frank amazed me and we talked until I had to go to sleep. It was almost 5 am and I had to get up early to catch my flight. Just as I started to go back out to the studio, Linda gave me a big hug and said that they feel blessed I am with them. I told her I feel the same way about them.

I drifted off but kept waking up to check the time, my internal alarm clock getting anxious. Finally I got up and dressed and then realized it was only 7am. Oh well, I went into the house to hang out before I had to leave at 8. They were shocked to see me as I had only slept for about 3 hours. Frank and Linda were just getting ready to get into the bathtub and I asked if I could sit with them while they did. Of course! I sat on the toilet and watched Linda wash Frank. It was so beautiful and peaceful. The sun was streaming through the window and the water was tinkling. I just watched and felt good all over. I knew I would miss them but I also knew that the time I get to spend with them is enough for me.

I gave Mikee, Linda and Frank all a big hug on my way out, then I walked to the blue house to get a ride to Bart with Alexi. Before we jumped in the truck he showed me something special they’re giving Frank for his birthday and I was very impressed.

Kirsten asked me to wake her up to say goodbye so I knocked at her door and saw her buried in a pile of pillows. She got up, gave me a big hug and then said she was coming to the Bart station with us. We waited outside for her and then we all took off. At the station I gave Alexi and Kirsten a hug and Kirsten told me to tell Nic that they all love him. I said I would and then descended to the tracks.

My plane ride seemed quick and I was filled with thoughts and emotions about the past 12 days. I also read more Steppenwolf and was getting to the juicy part. It was raining in Toronto and when I got home Nic and the cats were waiting for me. We talked for a few hours and then made love. When we lay next to each other it felt as though we were a bed of flowers, our whole room vibrating with sensuality and springtime.

Every year the experience is a little different. This year my intensive felt more like a gentle awakening at first and then I found myself out in the wide open at the end. It gave me inner exhilaration and a clearer path. It gave me breath and strength. I am surer of myself, steadier and more confident to do what I need to. I feel safe. My mind is quieter and I’m getting better at timing. I listen more.

But that’s just the beginning. This work is not something for me, this work is for all of us and life itself. I still don’t understand it all in any logical way but I don’t think that matters. What matters is that the work gets done.


Back to Workshops