Vivid Fusion - Explicit Work
Part 6
by Jennifer Wilson

I awoke on Friday and realized I was getting closer to FLM time, it was already noon. I caught up on writing in my journal and reading Steppenwolf. Then I went to the blue house to talk to JTB about the slaughterhouse. When I got there, John had just left, so I went to Kirsten’s room to see if she was up. She was still in bed but she let me in and I perched myself on the edge of her bed while we talked.

One of the things we discussed was her engagement ring. I asked if she was attached to material things and she said no. Then I asked if she ever considered selling it to make some cash for luver.com. My heart was pounding and I was very nervous that she would take offense to my suggestion. It’s just that I guess I’m used to selling things for survival and I don’t really understand the attachment to a ring or diamond or whatever. However, there was an emotional attachment to the ring as it symbolized her new life and I didn’t know how much the ring meant to her in that equation.

She actually took it very well and said that the day she showed it to me while we were sitting by the creek she felt as though she could just toss it in the water and watch the current of the creek take it away. I said that if she had done that, I would have jumped in after it so that I could sell it and donate the money to luver.com. Luver.com means a lot to me and I try to donate as much as possible whether it’s money or material, and now that the state is cutting funding for them it seems more important than ever. If I was rich, I would support luver.com fully and I would also support other endeavors around the world that do the same kind of thing. I even told Frank and Linda that I would start a tv channel devoted to diy community underground art and information. We wondered why other people with a lot of money don’t do that but instead choose to squander their funds on fancy cars and big homes. What a waste, in my opinion.

So, in my still childlike innocence about such things, diamonds seem like real wealth to me. I’m thinking hundreds of dollars (maybe even thousands!) could be got for the ring. I was being very optimistic. Kirsten liked my idea and asked if I would come with her to sell it and I agreed.
I left Kirsten’s and walked back to the purple house where food was being prepared. I sat in the living room facing Linda and Frank and we talked. All of what I do while I’m there is a part of the intensive. I was finding this year deeply relaxing. My mind had been too tired to make pictures of what it should look like. I had a little list of the things I wanted to accomplish while there but made no fuss about actually succeeding. I just did what I felt like doing at the time and kept my focus on feeling good. Feeling good does not mean just looking out for myself. Feeling good to me means that I am a part of and contributing to the positive vibes going on all around. Feeling good means not worrying or stressing or fussing. Feeling good means being able to take whatever comes with a smile and a laugh, or with humble empathy.

When I found this state of feeling good, I focused on it in an indirect way. I didn’t try to keep feeling that way, I just let myself feel that way. It wasn’t about controlling the way I felt, it was more like catching the feeling and riding it. This is difficult to explain.

We were all going dancing this night with Kirsten at the Barefoot Boogey. She told us it started at 8pm and went until 11pm. At the rate we were going, we were thinking that we would make it there around 10pm but then Frank, Linda and Mikee motored through their routine and we were ready to go by around 9! I went and changed into a new top which was all brown and sparkly with a hole cut out between me boobies. When I put it on I thought that Frank may not like it as it wasn’t open enough, but that was just me being paranoid. If fact, when I showed Linda she liked it and then I said I would wear it unless Frank didn’t like it and she seemed a bit perplexed that I would need his approval. I don’t know why I felt like that but I guess it’s just some neurosis I have. I just brushed it off and showed Frank. He hit his wind chimes in agreement.

Linda received a gift of wind chimes from Corey and Alexi on her birthday and when she hung them from Frank’s pulley in the living room he could hit them to get their attention. She said that when he did that the first time, they realized that was the perfect place for them. So, while we’re talking with Frank he will occasionally hit them to punctuate a statement or a joke. If it’s really good he’ll hit the chimes again and again. He can really whack those things!

Kirsten arrived and we started to pile into the truck. Kirsten’s dad was due in town the next day and she asked if it would be alright if he went with her to sell the ring instead. It didn’t matter to me at all. In fact, after talking to Kirsten about it I didn’t really think about it anymore. I just wanted to put the suggestion out there.

We made our way to the Wildcat Studios where the dance has been held for something like 30 years. The entranceway was packed as we squeezed through, paid our fee, took off our shoes and went inside. It was hot and sweaty. The music was groovy. There was a guy who kept looking at us and I could hear Kirsten telling FLM that he was like a dark haired Harpo, and he was! Just as we started to dance, the music ended and it was announcement time. Everyone sat in a circle and one by one talked about events coming up or anything else they wanted to share. This gave FLM a good chance to mention their upcoming performances.

Once the announcements were over, the dark-haired Harpo approached me and asked me why that guy was acting that way. I asked what guy acting what way? He gestured towards Frank and I said that he has cerebral palsy. He said oh and walked away as if embarrassed.

We danced. I let the music and the beat carry me away. Frank, Linda and Mikee were grooving. Kirsten was moving all around us, dancing with each of us one by one, dancing under Frank’s chair. I kept watching a woman dancing with ribbons and it reminded me of the fire twirlers at the om summer solstice festival I go to. In fact the whole place reminded me a little of raving where everyone is gettin’ down and smiling and aware of everyone else moving and we dance together even if we aren’t touching.

But there’s always some touching going on. Kirsten and Linda were rocking in embrace, two other women nearby were rolling all over each other. Mikee and I did some butt grinding. At one point I bent down over Frank and he held me there tightly pulling me down further. I was laughing! The place was getting more crowded as the night went on. Everyone was moving, jiggling, swirling and bouncing. So much fun!

Although I was sweating like a waterfall, I felt cool. My body was loving every movement and really not holding back. Linda and I got into a funny routine back and forth, mock attacks, Mikee watching. I kept turning around dancing with everyone. I would look up and try to get eye contact but most people were just into dancing. A few times a stranger would dance with me for a second and then we would divert back to our own little paths around and around. I also noticed that there were some people who would walk very slowly past us or around us and you could tell that they were in awe of Frank. I didn’t know if they wanted to dance or just watch but when I looked at them they all looked a little in shock.

The whole time I was moving my body to the beat, my mind was itching away that maybe I wasn’t dancing enough with Frank. Maybe I wasn’t dancing the way I was supposed to. Maybe I should have been dancing more like Kirsten. I know it sounds pretty silly. I did not focus on these thoughts even though they were present. I knew that we were there to dance and that’s what I was doing. There was no set way I was supposed to be dancing. I let go and while doing that my mind was trying to hold me back, but in ignoring those thoughts I felt good. I let myself feel good.

I was hot and tired and I just wanted to watch everyone else for a while so I sat down and had a swig of water. The place was packed. Mikee was still bopping. Linda was dancing slow and soulfully with Frank. Pretty soon Kirsten approached me and asked me to dance with her by offering me her hands. I got up and we glided around together in sweeping motions. As we did that, I noticed that Frank’s chair was moving. Then I realized it was moving because there was a man dancing with Frank, moving with Frank’s chair in circles, gently pushing and pulling it around. It was a beautiful ballet. Frank seemed really into it.

When the dance ended the lights came up and there was a murmur to the crowd. Linda ran up to the guy who had danced with Frank and gave him information about an upcoming performance of theirs that they wanted him to dance at. People looked tired but mostly happy. A couple of guys came up to me and smiled saying that was really great. Frank, Linda, Mikee and Kirsten had signed up to help pack the place up so that they could get their entrance fee back. I helped too but I didn’t need my fee back. We wrapped cords and took down lights and speakers. Kirsten started to sweep.

After a long stop at the bathroom where much giggling ensued…we all piled back into the truck and headed home. I was tired. We sat in the living room with Kirsten and talked for a while. I think Mikee was preparing food but I can’t remember. My mind was still trying to convince me that I had done something wrong. Frank looked at Kirsten and said “I liked watching you dance” and I figured he was just saying that to Kirsten, so this fed my insecurities. We chatted for a bit until I just couldn’t keep my head up so I dragged myself to bed as they continued to talk. I just ignored those thoughts I was having and besides, if I had done something inappropriate I trusted that it would be brought to my attention. I trusted that everything was alright. Paranoia self destroya. Sleep came easy.

On to Part 7>

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