Vivid Fusion - Explicit Work
Part 3
by Jennifer Wilson

I woke up and felt alright. Did a bit of writing and then re-read what I had read with Frank in the intensive. During my first read aloud, I stopped many times and asked Frank questions. At one point I really hit a brick wall and was asking all these questions. Frank was doing his best to answer but I didn't understand the answers so after a while I just decided to move on. I don't really know what I was thinking but I was way off course because during my second read in the morning I understood it and laughed at my questions and confusion. And I realized that all of Frank's answers made sense. That was whack!

A while later I spoke with Nic and told him that I had made my mind up about a couple of relationships I have but probably could do without. Relationships that I had been dragging my feet about. It was becoming more obvious to me that they were a waste of energy. Also, Frank was talking about the concept of enough and told me that we would be studying it for the intensive. I think that it was sinking in quick because I understood right away what enough is and all of a sudden things in my life that weren't enough were very obvious. Also, one of the things I needed was to get away and gain perspective. Realize that I was spinning my wheels. And what a place to retreat to! The Cave of Lila! I am very lucky.

I did next to nothing this day. I was excited for the next session. I didn't realize Kirsten was coming over until she left a message saying she would arrive soon. I was a bit nervous but I trusted that everything was going to be alright. When she got here Frank sent us out into the studio with his conference mic so he could hear what we were doing. He asked us to talk about the intensive. We went out into the studio, sat on the bed and started talking. Pretty soon I remembered how much fun it is to talk with Kirsten. Once we get rollin’ we can really go! I even revealed something to her that Frank had never heard before so I'm sure he was having a blast eavesdropping. We talked about the concepts of mates and family. We were having a good time when Linda and Frank arrived. Once Linda escorted Kittee back into the house, Frank, Kirsten and I talked more about the concepts that were introduced during the performance. Frank talked a lot about mates and he was asking us questions. To begin with, I said a few things that were flippant and I could tell that Frank was not wanting me to do that. Self doubt crept back. It makes me very aware, especially after the fact, that I do not wholly understand what we are doing.

At one point Frank said that the definition of mates is dangerous in that it can be divisive. I said that I had actually felt that since the performance, since Frank defined Nic and I as mates and not as their mates. Frank asked how and I said that defining us as mates and not their mates had just been forming a difference between us and them, a separation. Then he asked why feel separate from Nic? I'm not sure if that's what he meant but I said I didn't feel separate from Nic at all. I didn't get it.

All of a sudden I started to understand some of what Frank was saying and I asked if I could say something. Trying to make sense of all this. Trying to get deeper. I started to speak but I became afraid I would be wrong so I prefaced everything with "now I may be wrong, I usually am, but...". How annoying! At one point I said something and Frank started to react. I think I said something stupid and started immediately retracting it "I'm wrong! I'm wrong!" but Frank might have been nodding in agreement because then he put the pointer to yes and Kirsten said "no, you're right" and then I apologized for being so self-conscious. Kirsten said I didn't have to apologize for anything. I felt a bit better and stopped saying those things. I understood some of what Frank was saying but not all of it. He was defining who were mates with whom and I didn't understand why. I didn't understand what he was getting at. Some of it I did but some of it stayed in that place that wanted to investigate further. I didn't ask too many questions though. I just tried to focus on listening and trusting.

After talking, we danced. I started breathing slow and deep. We were moving together and rubbing together in pleasurable bliss. Frank was in his chair and Kirsten and I danced with him to the soundtrack of Dying is Sexy, Frank's last Toronto performance. The music was hypnotic and I started humming along to it. I could hear Kirsten humming too. She always uses sounds in the cave. My mind was going as usual and I tried not to concentrate on any thoughts but I couldn't help remember the om talked about in Siddhartha, and the om that I heard from hundreds of people at a summer music festival a few years ago. I thought that I was hearing it through all the sounds of the music and of us and our humming. It tranced us out! Frank had to nudge us a few times to get us to stop. When Linda and Mikee came in we were all pretty blissed out. We said goodbye to Kirsten and I ate and then crashed. I had plenty to think about in the morning.

When I woke up I could feel something welling up inside me. I started to read Steppenwolf the day before so I picked it up and tried to continue. I couldn't get past a page, so I put the book down and thought. Questions poured into my head about what Frank had said at last night's session. I didn't understand and I wanted to ask him things but I feared his disapproval. I feared that I would be wrong. That he would see me as a waste of time and that I would lose everything. Oh yeah, that's what it became. This big ball of mess. This big ball of fear and of good and bad and never enough overtook me on this particular morning and I had it out with myself.

I cried and I wrote in my journal. I couldn't read. My anger turned to extreme doubt and I really thought that Frank would be let down if I didn't get what he was saying. But these definitions of mates and family and who is mates with who was really driving me crazy! I did not understand! Finally I called Nic. I told him how I was feeling. On occasion he can cool me down, just hearing his voice can help. I told how I interpreted what Frank was saying and that ultimately I feared Frank kicking me out and he said that if I left Frank I would still be on my own journey, that my journey didn't end just because I wasn't with Frank anymore. I agreed. I feel the same with Nic. I have always felt that if Nic and I weren't together we would still be whole people. On the other hand, I do not feel as if leaving Frank would be easy or casual in anyway. I don't think that I would want to do that, just like I don't want to separate from Nic. I listened but not so much to the words. When I got off the phone I found myself a lot calmer. I remembered then that Frank had told us not to think too much about what he was saying. I had been so caught up in his words that all I could see were the words and I was trying to make sense of them. Well, I guess they weren't meant to make sense. And as I focused on that I began to feel quite a bit better.

I decided to pick up my video camera and take a tour through the studio, the yard and the house so I could show Nic what the place looked like. I went around the place as Frank slept making little comments about where things were and what rooms were what. Then I sat on Linda's bouncy ball and played a computer game until Frank woke up. We were going to the doctor's today and I was gonna videotape it. Then we were going to have Indian food later. When Frank woke up and came up beside me I couldn't keep holding onto any of the crap that had been draggin’ me down. What little was left seemed to evaporate and I felt soft and small, and very happy to know such soft and small people. We were all tired but we managed to haul our butts into the truck and get ourselves to Kerbavaz’s office before it shut down for the night. The doctor was in his usual high spirits, bantering friendly with the family. I had been there the year before so Frank introduced us again and told Kerbavaz that I was there to do an intensive and to kick his butt too! I thought that was pretty funny! I got some good shots of Frank's ear being sucked out. Great sounds, just like the doctor said. When Frank told him about mates Kerbavaz said "ah yes, co-voyageurs" and he understood right away.
We got back in the truck to get to the Indian restaurant on Solano Ave. We drove along one of the popular university streets with all the street vendors. When we entered the restaurant there were hardly any people there. We sat at a table and I couldn't stop looking at a big mural on one wall. We were all hungry. The menus came and we ordered a whole bunch of stuff. We talked a little before the food started to arrive. Breads and curries filled our senses. But then they noticed something that put the restaurant down a notch in their good books. There was less food than before. The second vegetable dish was half as big. Not a good sign. Then when Mikee's plate arrived it was not as hot as he had wanted. Besides that we had a good time eating and talking.

I really felt as though the problems I was having earlier had been resolved to some extent in the most natural peaceful way I’ve ever felt, by just not paying attention to them, not giving them power. I was in full trust mode figuring that if I did need an ass kicking it would be to get me to where I want to go. That's where the trust comes in. I had to trust that even if I didn't understand what was going on, even if things started to look not like what I thought, the destination was ultimately where I wanted to go and I didn't even know where that was exactly, just into the unknown! Trusting is relaxing. I trusted that if Frank was ready to give me a good shakin’ up, I probably needed it. And in this I realized that the one thing I was doing to make this happen was worry about it, so I stopped worrying and started to feel very grounded and a little light headed. We all got kinda doped on the Indian spices. I was ready for our session that night.

When we got home we had a nap. I went out into the studio and laid down hoping that I wouldn’t fall deep asleep. Sometimes it can be hard to wake me up. Linda was coming to get me in about an hour. When she came in it felt like I was half awake so I got up right away and went into the house with her. Frank had slept and he was getting ready for the session. We went back into the studio together and talked a little. I started to read again. We went through many pages of text, all about the cave, pantanic relationship and living everyday in love and trust. I read about “the work” which is basically an underground stream within all cultures. The work, the magic, is not about any one person. It wasn’t someone’s invention or profitable idea. The real magic that has traveled up from before we had language is still with us, deeply embedded into our dna or something. It has been carried through us all but truly lived by those who let it flow through them freely. I think we all can if we decide to and I think that if we did we would discover things that now seem unbelievable, like world peace.

Healing, playing, the body of planetary/universal life are some of the things we discussed. Some things we have talked about before but now it all went sinking in deeper. We talked about feeling like you’ve lost yourself because of extending your life with another’s, living it together, but that it is really deep fun. I’ve felt this with Nic. Over the years I have felt it get deeper, not boring, not stale, but different, richer, deeper. We still learn stuff about each other everyday.

We talked about admitting needs and knowing that they are powerful personal strengths – interdependence. How being committed to being responsible for the effect is not the same as focusing on the effect. Intention is key.

I read more about packets of possibilities within rivers of chero. We treaded deep waters talking about magic. I kept saying “heavy shit” and Frank would just look at me. I didn’t mean heavy as in burdensome load or anything like that. I meant it like “wow, that’s deep” but I didn’t want to say “deep shit” due to the negative connotation of that. Anyway, I was just comprehending the enormity of what we were discussing and yet also the smallness of it. Our discussion and the words I was reading were going into me, driving down through my thoughts. I was aware of a lot of experiences in my life that were connected together, connected to what I was doing, what I was reading. And as we talked about a unified field of consciousness, or chero, or zero point energy, whatever you want to call it, then I was aware that all my experiences were connected to everyone else’s.

Like I said, heavy shit. Maybe it was the word “shit” Frank didn’t like. I can relate to that. Once Nic and I went out to eat with a friend of ours and when we finished our friend went up to the cook and said “good shit man!”. Needless to say the chef thanked him but looked a bit perplexed. But I digress.

After reading for a couple of hours, we called it a day and went in to eat. I wondered what we would read next, or do next! I don’t think I had dinner this evening as I was still full from the Indian food. I just sat in the living room while Linda and Frank beveraged and Mikee got their dinner ready. I just love being around them and exchanging stories, or just sitting with them is one of the best parts of going there. We get along and have a good time. Soon after I decided to give into sleep. Now I really felt that I was there, I was clear, I was relaxed and receptive. It took me this long to burn away the crap I had collected over the past year. I slept well, purring all the way.

On to Part 4 >

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Last modified August 17, 2004