Hi guys! I made it back ok. Had to run to catch my connecting flight. So,
from your door to my door it took me 11.5 hours and I think it had to do
with the the fast connection. I am a mere 12-13 hours away from you!
Practically neighbours!

Thank you again for everything. I will start writing about it all soon. I
just wanted to send you this poem I wrote on the plane yesterday.

Blessed:

All through my life
Something calling me forth
Calling me in
Something so real and strong
I couldn't ignore it
And I followed
Had no choice but to follow
Only other choice would be death

I did not know where
It was leading me
Only that it spoke
Through my heart
And the closer I got
The deeper I went
The deeper it got
And the freer I became

This following was not always clear
Was not always easy
But the harder it got
The deeper it went
And I knew that if I just followed
I would find peace
I would know true love
I would melt with everyone

So I continued
No matter what
And I found others
Who followed
The same something
We recognized each other
Because our hearts spoke
The same language

Fellow explorers
Co-journeyers
Partners in crime
On a quest to who knows where
Just deeper
With each other
Into the unknown
Into each other

Where I am now
Is where I've always been
But now I realize
That I am blessed
To be with you
To be in love
To follow
That feeling
Into the great
Unknown.

love Jen


Vivid Fusion - Explicit Work
Part 1

by Jennifer Wilson

I was all prepared for my visit to Berkeley and the cab came early to take me to the airport. I was wisked away and my adventure truly began. I read Siddhartha on the plane that day and it made for very furtile soil for what I was about to experience. Thoughts of my friend who passed away and of my brother's challenges of the past year made me feel a little sad but also flooded with love for both. A meer 13 hours later and I was walking through the Berkeley path from the Bart station to Frank, Linda and Mikee's. Just as I was rounding a bend, I saw a guy on a scooter and we smiled at each other, then he turned around and said my name as I recognized John the Baker. We hugged and he told me that everyone was waiting for me there. It felt like I was going home.

I knocked on Frank, Linda and Mikee's brightly coloured door a few moments later and Linda answered. There was no fuss at all, just a feeling that I had always been there. A year does go by fast. For the first few hours I just talked and talked about so much stuff. Download. It felt good to be sitting there with them. They showed me all the stuff Kirsten made for Linda's birthday including an amazing mobile that she made with Corey, Alexi and her mom. I gave them some gifts I brought from Toronto. After we ate I realized that Frank was planning on us going to the studio, into the cave. I told them I didn't realize we would be starting that night. I was tired. I was willing to go if that was the plan but I admired their flexibility as the plan was quickly changed and I was able to just crash. Ah, the studio was the same. Smelled the same. Only now there was a mural being started by Mikee on a part of the outside. This is such a fun place!

The next day I awoke early and really needed some Picantes Mexican food. You can't get real Mexican food here on the east coast, and if you can it isn't very easy to find. I was hungry but I took my time and wandered down the road to see if I could remember the street it was on. I passed it a little but found it after verifying the address from a phone book. I didn't even look at the menu, just ordered some chicken tacos and an iced tea. I think I was the first customer of the day. The tacos really hit the spot. The rest of the day I spent reading one of the Cherotic (r)Evolutionarys and then taking a nap. I love to nap and don't get to when I have a day job. So I took this time to catch up. While I was dozing off in the studio I felt something strange like an energy shift in my body as if my soul were stirring, a weightless falling/turning sensation. Then I had a very vivid dream of taking erotic photos and woke up shortly after that. I called Nic and said hi then went into the house as Frank was getting up.

This was the day of the performance. The whole time my mind is going "what's it gonna be like? what's gonna happen? how's it gonna go?" but some other part of me, the part I was focusing on, was calm and grinning just knowing that whatever it was would blow me away. I delight in not knowing what will happen. I think Frank and the rest do too. It's exhilerating. It's dangerous. I wasn't asked to wear a costume so I just figured I would wear what I had worn for the day. I had no expectations. After dinner Corey, Alexi and Kirsten picked me up to go to the space to setup. Frank, Linda and Mikee would be showing up later. It was a dance studio and it reminded me a lot of the space in L.A. last year only bigger. Erika was there to meet us. We setup pillows and carpets, murals and lights. The sound system was setup for Dr. Oblivious, who also played in L.A. The performance was a short one - only 3 hours long. The atmosphere was good but a little pensive and I noticed then that Linda Smith had arrived. She said hi to Kirsten and gave her a big hug. At one point I heard her introduce herself to someone as one of the women who gets nude and dances erotically and I thought to myself that this may be a very different performance than I was used to! Excitement mounting. At one point she approached me but kept a distance. She said hello and introduced herself as Linda and I said hi, my name is Jen, and that was about it. We just smiled at each other and then she walked away. People were entering the space and then FLM showed up to get started.

I was nervous as usual but just willing to let the night take me away. Frank wanted everyone to sit closer. Closer. I got right in there. Frank introduced me right off the bat and I thought - here we go! He said that this work that we do together is possible because of me and Nic. Then a mic was passed to me and I was asked to talk about that. Some ummming and awwwing before words could form themselves but I eventually said that Nic and I understand what this work is about and how we feel so great about my working with Frank like I am. That Nic has not focused on jealousy but instead on how much more it bonds us. I guess the exact words don't really matter, this is how I feel about it and that feeling is just reaffirmed the deeper we all work together. I talked about how Nic and I became co-voyagers over 9 years and counting. That time didn't really matter, it was timeless, that we just were together, we enjoyed being together and everything grew out of that. It didn't grow out of a butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling. I had tried relationships based on those romantic notions before and none of them worked. What Nic and I started was not that and I knew that it was deeper right away. He was not the kind of person I could have been casual with. I knew this from the beginning. Nothing was rushed. It all just happened because we made it happen. Linda Smith was participating by making comments here and there like "sounds like the perfect guy" and stuff like that, and yeah, for me he is. But he is by no means perfect. I'm not attracted to what our culture has determined is perfect. I like imperfect. It isn't really about that at all. It isn't about finding the right guy or anything. It's just about being enough for yourself. Knowing that your relationships are enough. Not always having to run to that next rush, not always having to get better, do more, upgrade. When life choices are put in that perspective you can see what isn't enough isn't working. Is a waste of energy. But that's just my opinion. This is more than I said that night but this is how I felt. My relationship with Nic is open and deep as is my relationship with Frank, Linda and Mikee.

Linda of FLM was sitting in her usual place beside Frank but this time she was perched atop a colourful bouncey ball. Frank was getting her to explain things about their relationship and I just remember that she was also finding the words. Like we were all swimming together through darkness and Frank seemed to be carrying the torch at the front, however maybe he was just leading us all by touch. These were real questions and real answers, not just things to entertain anyone. At the beginning of the night a guy asked if it was an acid party and Frank told him he had been mislead. So true! We were all just talking about relationships, mates, family etc. It would have been so boring for an acidhead! Although, the murals connote a subtext that may seem psychedelic, we are really just talking and exchanging information about deep human relationships. There were a few people there. Many have been to some of the UCB performances. A couple of people were there for the first time. Other than the one guy who left, everyone who came stayed and listened to this deep talk. Kirsten spoke about her enfolding into FLM and said that it was definitely good, felt like going home, something she really wanted, but that it was a very painful process burning off old images of how things are supposed to look. I could feel the depth of what we were doing right then. We took a short break and ate some of the cookies Linda made the night before. There were snacks outside and Corey and Alexi were cozied up together on the bench. They actually sold some of those great cookies to someone working in another studio!

After the break, Frank said that Kirsten and I should dance over in the corner. I asked Frank quietly if he wanted us to take off our clothes. He spelled out "what do you think?" and, so, I started thinkin about it and then Linda said "no, what do you think?" and I just got it. Of course. It was cold in that room, sort of. Kirsten put on the heat and we were nervously hoping around to get warm. We were doing spins around each other spinning under our connected hands. Frank said he was going to have a talk with his therapist and then one of the guys from the audience got a big bouncey ball to sit on and perched himself right in front of Frank. As the conversation lulled along with Dr. O's droning melodies, Kirsten and I slowed down. We held each other close for warmth and rocked back and forth. We just swayed back and forth, back and forth. It was very trancey. She was soft, the lights and sounds were soft. We danced soft and spun every once in a while. We lightly caressed our hands over each other as we continued to sway and rock to a beat under the soft sounds. At one point Linda Smith danced our way. She danced around us with barely and touch and then danced off toward Frank. Sometimes I noticed Mikee videotaping but I didn't focus on him, I was focused on dancing. I only caught small parts of the conversation going on between Frank and eventually 2 of the guys from the audience, both into psychology. These guys were saying that this was a very deep performance, very shamanic. Then Frank asked them to define shamanism and one of them said it was direct experience. It was really amazing to have that going on and the ambient tunes and to be lost in the dance with Kirsten. Before we knew it 11pm arrived and the performance was officially over just as things were getting started.

We cleaned up the space, said goodbye to Erica and friends, and I left with Corey again. FLM was already at home. I said goodbye to Alexi and Kirsten at the blue house and walked down to the purple house. Frank, Linda, Mikee and I talked in the living room about how this performance was very deep and what those 2 guys were saying to Frank. They were a little blown away by the response to what happened. I don't know if they expected people would get it so much, but that's the beauty of not expecting anything! Something so simple as talking about this stuff was mind altering. I was really ready for my intensive in the cave with Frank. But first I had to eat and sleep.

On to Part 2 >

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Last modified August 17, 2004