My intensive was for four days over my 30th birthday in April. A good way
to bring in my 30’s: doing Transformative work. I had been
feeling very stuck for several months prior, aware of this block
within me that was making it difficult to manifest what I was wanting
and needing in my life. I knew that working with Frank would help
since it had moved things in the past. I was scared to go back and
do the work again since I was in a new relationship and felt that
the intimacy of the work with Frank might threaten my relationship.
My fear caused me to emotionally shut down to my relationship leading
up to the intensive and this triggered deep fear in my partner.
I arrived on a Thursday and stayed in the studio. I felt like I was on
a retreat especially because I chose not to see any of my friends during
this visit. The focus was to be on the work. Our sessions went late into
the night so after sleeping a good amount, the days passed easily through
reading, drawing and walking outside. It was a great honor to be a guest
in Frank, Linda and Mikee’s home observing and slipping into their
daily rituals. I ate dinner (which was their lunch) with them in the evenings,
rice, lentils, yummy greens, salsa, chocolate cake once, and wonderful
homemade strawberry ice-cream for my birthday. Thank you Mikee!
There were a lot of tears at the beginning of the first session with Frank.
Dropping away defenses, returning to a place of love, of softening, of
vulnerability, having my self fully seen again. The intention came two
fold at the beginning of the intensive, to melt this block that I felt
clutching to the inside of my body that holds me in and holds me back.
This mounting and growing dissatisfaction with the degree to which I am
showing up in life particularly in the area of work. Feeling strong pulls
of energy to just step out and begin my work. Work that is dear to my soul
and yet feeling this block so big I can hardly make movement. The building
energy that I cannot stand it anymore, can no longer tolerate doing things
where only part of me channels through. The second intention was wanting
to take the next step and go deeper into intimacy in my relationship. These
two are two paths that are the same.
Fear clutches in the first session in regard to causing harm to the intimacy
of my relationship with my partner as I feel I might be breaking something.
Fearing that I cannot have both at the same time. Fearing that I cannot
have the fullness of myself and my relationship but knowing that I cannot
continue to live in that fear. Fearing that I am a slut (Tampanic Healing
Artist). Knowing that I must trust the work beyond what my mind can comprehend
as I have learned so many times in the past with the work. Now knowing
that I cannot have one without the other they nurture and lick from each
And so I leap into the space of intimacy. I let go and I trust beyond what
I can comprehend into the lusty full universe and the block begins to melt
and I begin to fuse with myself again.
The mounting energy that cannot take only showing up partially will take
me far: the slut arrives. I do a standing up, moving journey blind folded
that is witnessed by Frank. Knowing deep in my bones that this process
is extremely powerful for me my mind leaps in trying to break it down
to nothing. I continue moving continue pulsing and the energy comes through.
The slut arrives and articulates her fullness, her lust for life, her
joy her freedom in rhythm, her beauty. My work is witnessed. Frank and
I move into the intimacy touching deep space circling there deeper and
longer than usually and the block is melting.
Kirsten arrives. She is also a student of Frank’s. Turns out we
know each other when she walks in the door. We grew up in the same small
town in Ohio. We are pulsing through similar spaces and places in our
lives. Building frustration of not doing the work that we love. Longing
to show up deeper and fuller. Kirsten does a sound and touch energy massage
for me. I am naked. I am lying on my back. I am receptive. I do not know
what is next. I lay and I trust. I feel like a Goddess being honored
in her softness. We are two Goddesses witnessing each other. I feel past
trauma of body and sexuality being lifted, floating away in this soft
space of honoring. I witness her in her full self. The process feels
ancient. This is the work that she is meant to do and it seems so natural.
Frank and Kirsten go into the pool of intimacy rocking and stroking and
I explore their bodies through soft touch. I am naked and I am blindfolded.
I go on a journey and I speak my journey. I meet Puff the magic dragon
after climbing up a rainbow and he talks to me about magic. My journey
is witnessed by Frank and Kirsten’s rocking and surrendering to
the deep. The three of us are on a magical journey of all the senses.
The block is melting.
Kirsten returns and we read. My mind swims in the deep of the words of
Frank. I cannot hold tight to any of it but experience its truth and
a certain kind of genius that feels so familiar. Feels like what I have
longed for. The block is melting.
I return to the world without so much of a block, feeling more open within
my body. Week’s later pieces of it are flying up and spitting out
all over the place. I find a new home to live in that is in the woods.
I find more meaning in my job in simple ways. I concentrate on being
rather than creating something magnificent. I know that I just have to
begin my work. There just isn’t much choice anymore. I cannot tolerate
abandoning my soul any longer. The block is melting.
After the Intensive
Pieces of the block are flying up in front of my face as my partner goes
through a breaking apart and a search to recover himself, a pulling away
and major distancing. My body aches as I continually turn back to the
path that is other than feeling abandoned, other than abandoning him
and other than ultimately abandoning myself. Pieces of the block that
become mirrors so easy to say that it his him that has pulled away when
really I must look deeply at myself to see how I defend, distance and
abandon. In exploring the defense, distance abandon wall that looks more
like a film or a bubble it is how I distance myself from everyone and
everything and stepping out of it is stepping out of isolation, stepping
away from distancing from everything and everyone. I distance through
anger, through blame through emotional upset, through feeling helpless
and taking it. In this sadness in feeling that I have lost something
I have turned away from the work, taken weeks to write this when in the
deep of my being the only way is to step through the film and embrace
the Tampanic healing goddess and all that she is.
So after four weeks my body system begins to shout and scream and I can
no longer stay in this place that my partner and I are in. I have distanced,
he has distanced even more. He is almost unreachable. I am trying to
stay open but I’m not fully doing it. I have to show up. Show up
like I’ve never shown up before. Showing up means calmly, firmly
lovingly I must convey to my partner that we must both begin to return
to the relationship or we must leave and that we need to go to therapy
to help the process. The pain I must wade through, cry through and clear
to be able to show up for this is horrific in the heart and the belly.
Old crap, old fear. I stay with it and I show up and he agrees to go
to therapy. Now I’m in an unknown land because I showed up and
he said yes. It’s so vulnerable in this space, so powerfully vulnerable.
Then he doesn’t show up for the therapy and I know then and there
that he cannot show up and I must leave because I demand to be matched
in showing up.
It is now three months later……..(I have still to send this
off to Frank for some reason full of soap or maybe because the intensive
hasn’t stopped…..it’s still working me in full) My
relationship has ended but the difference this time is that I showed
up for myself so for the first time I do not feel abandoned. My partner
abandoned himself. I feel much clearer about what I now want in a relationship
and I won’t, can’t settle for anything less than showing
up, going deep, transforming touching spirit and being creative. The
opening for a relationship is deep sometimes such an opening of longing
I have never experienced before.
I’m seeing a transpersonal life coach to help get me on course
since I am far away from Frank (something I have not reckoned with).
I’ve started doing my work……I call it “Moving
Journeys: Performing the Dreaming Body.” I’ve done moving/talking
journeys with three people so far. Basically I go on the journey with
the person while we touch hands/move/and they speak the journey. The
moving part is really important as is connecting with someone else while
journeying. It has been a delight to get to go on other people’s
journeys with them and the process is usually quite effortless and moves
a lot of energy for me. The really scary part is that I have committed
to doing a Moving Journey Performance at an Earth Fair in about a month.
So now I am sitting in all my soap about the part of me that is terrified
to be so vulnerable so in the moment and so alive and what seems to represent “me” and
oh I’d still like to hide.
So the short of it is that I was blocked really blocked for months, couldn’t
make anything happen. I went to see Frank for an intensive and I haven’t
stopped transforming. I’ve started doing my work which actually
has a name now simple on some level but no small feat actually doing
it. I took the next step in going deeper into the space of relationship
and intimacy, my partner just did not come with me, but I came with me
and I get see the possibility for relationship on a whole different much
deeper level. I see how my work and relationship are connected. When
I show up fully in my work I will make space for a relationship that
will show up fully which will in circle support my work. It’s beautiful
and right now really uncomfortable moving out of the familiar.
Tampanic Healing ArtistI am the tampanic healing artist
I am the slut
The one who moves rivers
Of lusty love through my core
The one who vibrates in orange and yellow
Safe and in love with life
Safe and in love with life
Touching and licking the atmosphere
I am the one who moves and sways
With my thighs open wide to
Full with exuberance and connection
I am the part that is alive
The love goddess who swims
In the pools of opening desire
Swims through my opening heart
Fills the longing to be fully alive
Fully receiving the power of lusty
Juicy vibrating me
At the core, and the center
Spreading out like wings that
Wrap me and hold me and dance
I am the slut
The juicy one
The creative birthing one
The dancing, flowing
That knows my direction
Knows my path, my purpose
Alive with instinct
I am the slut
The running wild, free and singing
Ulla April 2003
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