tortures

 

events are real,

but victim's reality

ain't mine.

 

loud doctor

judge

voices kept pronouncing

no intelligence,

no future,

no spark,

just a black hole drain...

put him

forgotten

memories

institution.

 

family screaming voices

over thanksgiving

and christmas table

accused

the mother's sins taken out on the son...

the son

there

listening

crying

for 13 years.

 

ugly doll.

 

kids were pulled away...

maybe it's contagious.

kids were slapped away

for looking

at the slobbering

doll.

 

adults,

keeping

the doll

for awhile

to give

the poor woman

a break

saying

over coffee,

why does she keep him,

no future,

can never do anything...

sure, he understands...

but more the pity...

understanding doom...

look at him

listening to us

in the chair...

4 years old

and doomed

to can not.

 

abandoned at 5...

hospital,

their excuse,

a baby brother being born,

then me

with chickenpox...

but i knew it

was because i shit

too much,

pissed

too much...

so i held it in

until i couldn't

anymore...

and then sat in it

because i needed

too many baths.

sat in it

until after college...

it was the least

a burden

such as i

could do!

 

they were going to leave me

again.....

the floppy

ugly

thick-lipped,

buck-tooth

dumbo-ear

no-future

me...

for 2 years...

i'd be 10

before i'd see them

again...

if then...

but my hives

put an end

to that!

 

frames steel and leather

pinched,

rub blisters,

rub raw red sores

from hips to ankles,

framing

imprisoning

chaining

this gross

abnormal beast

down into the sacred appearance of

normalcy,

that abstract state.

if the beast crossed his legs,

the illusion would crack...

so wedge a lead bar

between these frustrated legs

for 26 years...

never mind

it pinches his balls.

he will just watch tv

all his life.

 

me

lying on a hard table,

listening to the professionals

discussing my doomed fate.

me

only in underpants.

they want

always

to cut open

my body and brain.

i knew kids

who were twisted zombies

after doctors

cut them open.

doctors want

to give me drugs

to stop my slobbering

and to tranquilize

my body

into the american dream...

or in the ballpark. they settled

on daily physical torture.

 

dad

missed my ninth birthday party

for a bender....

babbling drunkenly later

about how he loved me.

teachers

bribing

one another

about who would get the freak.

one quit.

but the professionals

decided the schools weren't equipped

to handle such a creature.

sentenced

to isolation

with mother

in the towers...

with daily outings

to physical tortures.

bent fingers,

arms,

legs

so far into unnatural positions

that it took

three of them

to do it,

so far i screamed in pain,

screaming

i want to be normal.

i lied,

i never wanted that!

one time

i stuck my hand up

into their cunts.

they rubbed ice

all over my body,

then brushed me

hard

with a house paint brush.

i awoke

when i was 13

after an operation

to pull my balls

down,

i awoke

to hear one nurse

saying to another,

"why did they bother,

no woman

would make love

with him."

mom

once told

me,

"any girl

who would want you

must be crazy."

in the towers,

i lost my hearing.

the teenage "babysitter"

blindfolded

14-year old me

so i couldn't see her

and two girlfriends

dance sexually

with one another.

 

dad was pissed.

he couldn't hit a crip.

so every night

at the dinertable

he would scream

at my brother,

humiliated my brother,

backhand slapped my brother,

whipped my brother

with a belt....

and then exited to the local bar.

i always cried.

my high school teacher

made me eat clorets

because my breathe

and body odor

stank bad.

college wouldn't take

me

because my slobbering

would offend and distract

other students.

airlines

used this logic

to not let me

on their planes.

 

rubbing myself

into climax

in college,

nothing came out

like before.

orgasms weren't messy

like before...

before that bladder operation.

curious,

i went to the college nurse,

who checked with the doctor

who didn't see any reason

to tell

a 27-year old virgin

ugly

rag doll

about the side-effect

of the operation

of no-mess orgasm...

after all, rag dolls

don't have sex or kids...

we don't want to have more rag dolls!

my would-be mother-in-law

told my would-be wife

"marry somebody else...

and adopt frank!"

she said a lot

more choice things...

but time and space are limited.

but she did bribe

every justice of the peace

for miles around

to not marry us.

 

if you don't shut-up,

you spoiled brat...

living

with old drunk

male nurse

who kept rag dolls

in their place

by punching them out.

lived with him for 6-months...

until he pulled

a loaded gun on me.

then i screamed him to sleep.

a knife at the crashpad...

if i didn't stop laughing at him...

i wasn't laughing.

a paper dixie cup at the headshop...

if i didn't start talking,

he'd push it down my throat.

never mind the hitman.

never mind linda's mafia papa.

and i'm sure i've forgotten a lot.

my first french kiss

was from a guy

who then tried to rape me

putting his penis in my mouth.

i like french kissing.

 

but all in all,

life has been good!

 

© Frank Moore 5/18/94

 

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